In a mad dash I adapted my Jeep with a padded board and straddled the center console to mimic delivery of mail from my own vehicle. Then the post master asked, "how are you going to buckle yourself in?" True, all this effort was in vain. She was right. This vehicle no longer serves me. Hell I let it sit for a month at a time, starting it up occasionally as it is not my primary vehicle. Then my little car would definitely not be suitable for mail delivery. This was the result of an interview I had today. Just prior I called out to Ares for strength and confidence. She did admire my resourcefulness, but still it would not work, even though the job was just one day a week. Ugh, I was done with this Jeep. A friend of mine had been really wanting it for a long time. So when I got home, I texted him I was ready to sell. Within an hour he was there and really excited about picking it up from me. I let it go and to someone who would appreciate it and enjoy it more than I was. It was just frustration, but feel lighter, a little depressed. Oh well, it is just a thing. Another thing will come along. I really, really, feel alone...isolated. Anyway, that is all for the day. I feel definitely broken.
So on one hand I am humbled as I call him down, I feel like a worm that can be crushed under his boot. But after my working and offering, something amazing has been happening already. Almost instantly, like a floodgate opening, I am getting calls and follow-ups from interviews. Each one taking me deeper down paths. The dust is being kicked up and stirred. I am not making more of any situation, yet it can be nothing else but magick how all are contacting me almost at once and at the same time. We'll see how this all pans out in the end, and I get the feeling from Ares, that I should not be cocky, and leave that attitude to him. That is his job. I need to work and prove my metal that I am worthy.
I feel this challenge is getting off to an incredibly slow start for me. My current motivation is finding and securing a job. I have a really good resume but the simplest of jobs are seeming to elude me. Though one is starting to come to the forefront and hope is there. It will certainly be physical and demanding is what I want, a challenge. I had worked desk jobs in the past and found them so taxing I found myself gaining weight, depressed, and lacking in motivation. So I am hoping this one comes through. I am still applying for at least one a day though.
As for Ares, I hope to seek his strength, vigor, and motivation to capture what is slipping away it feels. My lack of self-confidence, energy, giving way to atrophy in so many ways. Letting others walk over me time and time again. All through my life it has been a struggle, just to feel normal and assured as others appear to be. Having taken many verbal and sometimes physical beat downs as a child, I can see where many of my issues stem from. Well in my research with Ares, he is not allowing it and has no place. He is saying to let that be the fabric of my cloak I wear into battle. Let the tears of my soul show and never hide my scars. They are testments of living and endurance. I hear his words, yet believing in them is something else.
So today I begin again. I called unto Lord Ares, his messages clear and cut to the heart. Here is what he had to say to me today.
"You have grown fat and reak of self-deceit. Do not rest on your laurels of the past, though they bear your triumphs, they mean nothing today. Every day the battle is anew. I will break you on my wheel, only then will you be strong enough to move forward. You have grown selfish and need to let go and be prepared to sacrifice in order to gain what you truly need."
I use tarot and meditation in my practice, opening a portal to Ares, invoking, hearing his message, reflecting, then closing and departure.
This last bit of time as we ebb closer to the eve of a new challenge has wrought more pressing matters into my life, discord and self-doubt have crept in. I know I need this work more than ever at this juncture. The job I secured last month is no longer there. As I went to work, in a matter of days, the business closed and I helped load an entire clock shop into storage with no recourse on the horizon of when I will be paid next. So I begin my search again for a job. Unemployment is a blow to my psyche and confidence. I am looking but find myself lazing about as well, taking extended naps and talking myself into not leaving my home.
I so need the strength and fortitude of Ares at this time. I had to movtivate today and am beginning my work early. From where I have been, as a soldier, I have been to the most desecrated lands of this planet and seen the earth burn in war. Now as a civilian, myself and comrades struggle daily to feel normal and among the masses. Still competing for survival and making our stand. Turned away time and time again even from our own care centers. I so need and call the strength of Ares. For it is not his sympathy I seek, but to dawn his armor and take up his spear. To sheild myself against the onslaught and see true and be lawful unto myself and my kind.
I performed an invocation this evening in asking to work with him for the coming days. Here was his message I received,
"Lo' I ride my chariot on the tides of Saturn and Mars, know this, I forge kings. Your call will heed my lash as you will feel it's sting upon thy back. I will purge your weakness and demand your discipline. "
Pretty short and to the point. I have attached an image of the altar I setup for him tonight. Also on the lower part of the photo is a cudgel I forged recently and thought it would serve as a scepter for working with Ares. I'll work on imbuing this pieces with the essence of Ares or possibly forging a new piece with him present as I blacksmith for a hobby. I have better pics of the cudgel on my homepage. Also I have an iron wand on the photo that I forged. I have made a few of them and thought an iron wand would be appropriate working with Ares.
I decided early on to join this challenge, as the last one invoked, and caused monumental changes to occur. Many of which, I am still working with moving forward. I am in total agreement with others on this front, as it also brought in a much needed discipline that I was lacking. Being accountable, and staying true to the core of my being, and finding that guiding star to pull me into a safe harbor.
Yet, I still have reservations, especially with the mounting direction I am embarking on this next challenge. This work is leading me in the most obscure paths that I had never considered, or would even think of, as they had never resonated before with me. I believe the common thread is my attempt to retrieve those lost fragments of my soul. Shattered to the cosmos, I hid from not only others, but myself. Now in my later years, I seek to commune my lost pieces and mend those back into the whole.
The Morrighan was most definitely a key in this, and has led me to the field of battle. But, unlike my tenure of sevice where I tread the grounds of Iraq and Afghanistan, this field is within, and the fight is to retrieve those lost parts of myself. That brings me to my next challenge, as I am being led before the Temple of Ares, the God of War. Interesting enough, I have never worked with a war deity or daemon. It has always been death or chaos. Yet this time I feel the infuence of plantery Mars, and it's associations pull my spirit into a tidal orbit.
My research will involve the melding of body, mind, and spirit. I seek to keep it simple and achieve a synthesis with energies of Mars. As I age, my body falls weak, and interests decay, yet I feel still young of heart and am not ready to recede into the shadows so quickly. I feel a part of me lost and through Ares/Mars I can retrieve it with discipline. It will entail a workout regiment, meditation, reflections, and dietary change along with awareness. I have tried and tried things in the past, and on my own they are near impossible. Before I had the motivation of the Army to keep me on track, having to stay in shape and eat right to stay in. But with me being out now, I lost the motivation and energy. I gave up on myself.
Well this is my challenge and I hope that I am considered for the next round to join and work with you all together in achieving our goals.